Twenty-four years ago, my best friends from college and I parted ways in Italy ten days into a summer-long backpacking trip. Their unexpected desire to go home early left me half a world away from everyone I knew. One of my first experiences as a solo traveler was to eat alone. Looking back, eating out alone in Florence seems like a piece of cake or, should I say, pizza.
However, at the time, I felt mixed emotions—I was excited by my decision to stay in Europe but also nervous. A guy has to eat, though, and eat I did. Before traveling to Nice, London, Ireland, and Paris, I returned to Venice (my friends weren't enamored with it like me).
My first solo travel experience left me with a newfound independence and self-reliance. I could safely and efficiently navigate a foreign continent and have a blast doing it. Sure, I felt lonely at times. But I also met more new people because I didn't have friends to rely on for company. Learning to accept occasional feelings of loneliness as part of the travel experience serves me well.
In the two decades since, I've become a pro at eating alone, whether at home or abroad. The latter came more naturally, perhaps because I got an earlier start or I'm less self-conscious outside the United States. The decision to become a food writer and start this blog led me to double down on being a solo diner, and it was also the catalyst for conquering a longstanding fear of going to bars alone.
Getting over my fears of barhopping and eating out alone has led to countless good meals and made traveling more fun and exciting. And then there's the bonus of feeling at ease with my own company and doing something others find scary (or inconceivable). In this article, I'll discuss the psychology of dining out alone and some of the best ways to conquer social fears and become more comfortable eating alone.
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Psychology of Eating Out Alone
Dining solo can be scary for numerous reasons. Humans are social creatures, and we have been throughout much (if not all) of our evolution. For thousands of years, we lived in small hunter/gatherer groups, where resources were shared, and those in the community survived longer than those on their own.
So, besides worries of judgment by others, if we're dining alone, there's also an ancient part of our brain that feels existential fear when we see others eating in groups while we're alone. It's as if we've been cast out of the community to fend for ourselves.
However, for most of you reading this article, food insecurity is likely not an issue and perhaps never has been. I'm grateful it hasn't been for me. Since biology doesn't evolve as fast as civilization, we may know it's safe to eat alone intellectually, but our nervous system can still give us butterflies. This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy can help. They're scientifically proven approaches to help people overcome anxiety.
I began practicing them while working with a therapist after learning I had social anxiety in my twenties. Explaining how they work is beyond the scope of this article. However, I wanted to mention them as they've positively impacted my personal growth and quality of life.
Tips To Conquer Your Fears
Imagine feeling safe and comfortable walking into any food market, new restaurant, or fine dining establishment on your own, relaxing and thoroughly enjoying the experience. You're confident doing so, whether around the block from home or in another country with a language barrier. How much do you stand to gain in terms of freedom and experience?
Regardless of how much anxiety the idea gives you now, it's possible. The following tips are based on exposure practices, which can help you gradually reduce your fear of specific situations, such as eating alone.
Start Small
When building confidence in social situations, starting small and working your way up is a great approach. If you want to eventually feel comfortable eating out alone anywhere in your hometown, start with casual spots like a cafe or food truck near your home. The casual vibe can help you feel at ease, and the proximity to home can provide a sense of safety.
Are you embarrassed after tripping on a step and shattering your mug of mochaccino in the middle of a packed coffee shop? You can be home and safe in a matter of minutes. That said, it's a good idea to challenge yourself to stick around long enough to enjoy your glass of wine, coffee, or meal.
When we flee a situation because of nervousness or embarrassment rather than actual danger, we reinforce our anxiety. Try not to trade short-term comfort for long-term improvement. Sticking it out despite your nerves trains your brain to see that there's nothing to fear. You're unlikely to overcome your fear of eating out alone with one or two experiences.
Repetition is critical, which is another good reason to start with cafes—they're inexpensive, and you can go often. If coffee isn't your thing, get tea, a bottled drink, or a pastry. It doesn't matter what you buy, just that you spend as much time there alone as possible so you can get used to how it feels.
Once you've gotten more comfortable hanging out at cafes, challenge yourself to a casual, sit-down restaurant. Have you got the hang of those? Try one of the fine dining restaurants you've had your eye on for years.
Choose the Time and Day Wisely
Just as picking suitable venues can make a big difference, choosing the optimal time and day for your outings can, too. If walking into a busy cafe on a Saturday morning worries you, try 3 p.m. on a Wednesday. Avoiding peak hours can set your mind at ease before getting there.
For restaurants, start with lunch instead of dinner. The latter is more suited to couples on dates and intimate gatherings of friends and family. It's easier to feel self-conscious about being there alone if everyone else is engaged in lively conversation. The same goes for Sunday brunch, which, to me, feels even more anxiety-provoking than grabbing dinner alone.
Where To Sit When Eating Alone
When it comes to dining alone, not all seats are created equal. Consciously choosing where to sit can help alleviate the anxiety of being alone.
Bars
Pulling up a bar stool gives you easy access to the bartender and other patrons who may be open to conversation. Sushi bars are perfect for solo diners, as you can usually engage directly with the chefs. And even if you're not feeling chatty, the proximity to other people can help you feel less alone.
Open Kitchens
I love sitting near open kitchens, where I can be close to the culinary action.
Windows
Another approach for shy readers is to sit near a window and watch people or enjoy the view. When I make a lunch reservation, I often ask to be seated near a window to enjoy the view and natural light (which makes for better food photos).
Communal Tables
In Austin, Texas, communal tables are standard on outdoor patios. Sway, a modern Thai restaurant also has communal tables. Choosing a communal table can open the door to casual conversation with fellow diners and shared experiences. Who knows, maybe you'll make some new friends.
Have Fun
Speaking of photography, I've taken pictures of my food since phones were equipped with cameras. And now, thanks to social media, it's so typical that nobody bats an eye. Dining alone gives me great liberty to have fun with my food photography.
I don't get too wild, but I take my time and play with different shots and angles. I never bought a DSLR camera because I knew I'd feel more self-conscious taking it out in restaurants. Instead, I've relied on the ever-improving iPhone.
In the old days, I used to take trips with paperback books and a travel journal. I'd bring them out to eat so I could get lost in a good book or catch up on documenting my adventures. If I'm in the mood these days, I'll read from the Kindle app on my phone. But I'm more likely to be scrolling through Instagram, which requires less attention.
Ask Questions
Another way to feel less alone when going out for solo meals is to make small talk with the host or hostess and ask your server lots of questions. If you're usually more reserved, experiment with being super inquisitive. Ask questions about the menu, the restaurant's history, and the chefs. If the staff is attentive, they'll meet your energy, and you'll learn more than if you dined out with friends.
Visit the Kitchen
The first time I ate at El Cielo in Medellín, my chef friend asked if we could see the kitchen at the end of dinner. As they were near the end of service and just cleaning up, the waiter said it was okay and walked us over. Seeing the inner sanctum of a restaurant practicing molecular gastronomy was neat.
When I returned in 2018 for lunch, I was alone and asked if I could see the kitchen for old times' sake. The waiter again said yes and offered to take my picture with all the chefs. It was a fun moment and allowed me to thank them personally.
A few months later, I asked to see the kitchen at VUN Andrea Aprea, a two-star Michelin restaurant in Milan, and met chef Aprea himself. He took the time to pose for a photo with me and sign my menu. The interaction made me feel both welcomed and appreciated after a trans-Atlantic flight to a new city.
The following year, when I was dining alone for my birthday at Geranium, a three-star Michelin restaurant in Copenhagen, the waiter offered to give me a tour before dessert. We walked through the wine cellar into a private dining room with a kitchen and two prep kitchens before entering the main dining room. When I asked for a photo at the end of my three-and-a-half-hour birthday lunch, I was surprised (and delighted) to see the entire kitchen staff come together.
More Ideas To Enjoy Eating Alone
If all of the above still sounds overwhelming, consider these ideas.
Sign Up for a Tour, Tasting, or Class
Group tours and cooking classes bring strangers together for a limited time. They're structured and facilitated to take the pressure off of you.
Some of the standout experiences I've had over the years include:
- Cooking class in Chiang Mai, Thailand
- Bicycle winery tour in Mendoza, Argentina
- Tequila tour outside Guadalajara, Mexico
- Market tour and paella cooking class in Barcelona, Spain
- Food and Ferrari tour in Emilia-Romagna, Italy
Find an Accountability Buddy
Tell someone you trust about your desire to get more comfortable eating out alone. Ask if they can help you stay accountable to your goal—message this person to share the details when you decide where and when you're going out alone. You'll increase your odds of taking action by letting someone else know and likely feel safer since this person knows your whereabouts. Ideally, they'll also cheer you on before and after your experience.
Reward Yourself
Stretching out of your comfort zone can be stressful. Find small ways to reward yourself for each step forward, and you'll be more inclined to keep going. I hope these tips will encourage you to become more comfortable dining out alone. A beautiful sense of freedom comes with solo dining, as with travel. I'll see you out there!
